“When someone asked me the other day,”are you doing okay?”
My first response was “yeah sure, everything is great. and how about you?” (Seriously let’s get the focus off me, and let’s talk about you.) Because I’m really not okay and I have a reputation to uphold. Everyone always sees me joyful and with a smile on my face, because I sometimes”fake it to make it” through each day.
But behind those closed doors, I am not as authentic as I want to be, I put on a mask to cover up the freckles of falseness. And since I teach women to take off the mask, by confessing their sins one to another so they may be healed. I have a confession to make, because I want to see healing in my heart.
I haven’t read my bible in a very long time. And quite frankly I feel like I am walking a very fine line and the light that once shone so brightly in me will go dim and the lamp stand will be removed from my life. Why? Because I have been unfaithful to my King. I haven’t spent real quality time with him, and I have ignored Him, and given him the silent treatment, and that just doesn’t work in any relationship. I feel like I have forsaken my first love. So no I am not okay. I have a loss of passion, a loss of hope, and a huge void. I just feel nothing. I have spiritual apathy. And just like my physical body that has atrophied without exercise, my spiritual body has become so weak in faith. Help me please Lord.
I have rehearsed all the lines, and I know the Word. I know who I am in Christ, yet there is definitely something going on in my heart. I seem to want to fill it with everything meaningless.
I kind of been ignoring everyone, What is wrong with me?
Last fall I went through a similar and very rough season, and became depressed. Even during the Christmas season, I was quite the scrooge. We had a tree up in our living room, but I didn’t want to decorate it or really have anything to do with the Christmas season.
Well I had a couple of friends come over and when they saw my tree and my attitude towards Christmas, they immediately stepped into my pity party pit, and pulled me out but I didn’t come out that easy. I kicked and screamed (not literally) inside wishing they would have just left me alone. Instead they decorated my tree with old ornaments, and went and bought my kids a bunch of Christmas presents to put under the tree, because they seriously were not getting any from me. All the while I just crossed my arms and was completely closed off to receiving the goodness that was extended to my family. Selfish and self centered I know. You don’t need to point that out. It is in my face daily.
However, God’s kindness is what leads us to repentance, and after they had left my heart started to well up with thankfulness for my friends. They loved me despite my selfishness. Our God does too. His love is what covers over me.
SO why haven’t I read His Word? Why haven’t I spent time soaking in His Presence? Because I am weak. I am frail, and quite frankly I have been lazy. I have been with somewhat of a spiritual atrophy and complacent in both the spiritual and physical sense. I almost feel like my battery is dead and I need a jump. Does anyone have any battery cables? If you are on full charge then please just connect to me. I think we all have those moments, and it is in this vulnerable state that I am in, that I ask for a jump.
I debated on whether or not to post this because I have a lot of friends that think too highly of me. I may be letting a lot of you down. Sorry but I AM NOT WONDER WOMAN. I am just as human as you and I don’t feel like I can go on pretending anymore that everything is fine, when it is surely not. I feel the weakest I have been in a very long time. I feel lonely, even though I have the greatest husband a women could ask for. I just feel lonely. I am not connected to the vine. I am not abiding in Him, and I feel the void so deeply.
And I know you are going to tell me what to read and what I should do, and though you mean well, I am not sure I will actually follow through. I feel stuck in the mud of my own misery.
And I will bet that if you are reading this post, then it is because you know exactly what I am talking about because you have or are going through the same thing. What do you do about it?
Is it okay to not be okay? I think so.
You know that feeling when you haven’t exercised in such a long time and you start to feel so heavy with every move you make? Well that is where I am at in a spiritual sense, and I am crying out to the Lord to restore, renew, refuel, revive. Again I ask, does anyone have an jumper cables I can borrow to spark the flame in me again?